God knows I get enough "funny stuff" via e-mail every week, but a very small percentage of it really is funny. This is a hodge-podge of the absolute funniest stuff that I have collected over the years on the 'net.
[By the way, there is lots more funny stuff on the "Altar of Manhood" page...]
Top 10 Golfer-Caddy Conversations
#10 Golfer: "Think I'm going to drown myself in the lake." Caddy: "Think you can keep your head down that long?"
#9 Golfer: "I'd mover heaven and earth to break 100 on this course." Caddy: "Try heaven, you've already moved most of the earth."
#8 Golfer: "Do you think my game is improving?" Caddy: "Yes sir, you miss the ball much closer now."
#7 Golfer: "Do you think I can get there with a 5 iron?" Caddy: "Eventually"
#6 Golfer: "You've got to be the worse caddy in the world." Caddy: "I don't think so sir. That would be too much of a coincidence."
#5 Golfer: "Please stop checking you watch all the time. It's too much of a distraction." Caddy: "It's not a watch - it's a compass."
#4 Golfer: "How do you like my game?" Caddy: "Very good sir, but personally, I prefer golf."
#3 Golfer: "Do you think it's a sin to play on Sunday?" Caddy: "The way you play, sir, it's a sin on any day."
#2 Golfer: "This is the worst course I've ever play on." Caddy: "This isn't the golf course. We left that an hour ago."
#1 Golfer: That can't be my ball, it's too old." Caddy: "It's been a long time since we teed off, sir."
THINGS I'VE LEARNED FROM MY CHILDREN
A 3-year-old's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded > restaurant
If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42-pound boy wearing batman underwear and a superman cape
It is strong enough, however, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20'x20' room
You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on
When using the ceiling fan as a bat you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit
A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way
The glass in windows (even double pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan
When you hear the toilet flush and the words "Uh-oh", it's already too late
Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it
A 6-year-old can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36-year-old man says they can only do it in the movies
A magnifying glass can start a fire even on an overcast day
A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq ft house 4 inches deep
Legos will pass through the digestive tract of a 4-year-old
Duplos will not
Play Dough and Microwave should never be used in the same sentence
Super glue is forever
No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool, you still can't walk on water
Pool filters do not like Jell-O
VCRs do not eject PB&J sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do
Garbage bags do not make good parachutes
Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving
You probably do not want to know what that odor is.
Always look in the oven before you turn it on
Plastic toys do not like ovens
The spin cycle in the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy
It will, however, make cats dizzy
Cats throw up twice their body weight when
|FUN THINGS TO DO IN AN ELEVATOR:
When there's only one other person in the elevator, tap them on the shoulder and then pretend it wasn't you.
Push the buttons and pretend they give you a shock. Smile, and go back for more.
Ask if you can push the button for other people, but push the wrong ones.
Call the Psychic Hotline from your cell phone and ask if they know what floor you're on.
Hold the doors open and say you're waiting for your friend. After awhile, let the doors close and say, "Hi Greg. How's your day been?"
Drop a pen and wait until someone reaches to help pick it up, then scream, "That's mine!"
Bring a camera and take pictures of everyone in the elevator.
Move your desk in to the elevator and whenever someone gets on, ask if they have an appointment.
Lay down a Twister mat and ask people if they'd like to play.
Leave a box in the corner, and when someone gets on ask them if they hear something ticking.
Pretend you are a flight attendant and review emergency procedures and exits with the passengers.
Ask, "Did you feel that?"
Stand really close to someone, sniffing them occasionally.
When the doors close, announce to the others, "It's okay. Don't panic, they open up again."
Swat at flies that don't exist.
Tell people that you can see their aura.
Call out, "group hug!", then enforce it.
Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering, "Shut up, all of you, just shut up!"
Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside, ask, Got enough air in there?"
Stand silently and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.
Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce in horror, "You're one of THEM!" and back away slowly.
Wear a puppet on your hand and use it to talk to the other passengers.
Listen to the elevator walls with your stethoscope.
Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.
Stare, grinning at another passenger for a while, and then announce, "I have new socks on."
Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers, "This is my personal space!"
Household Principles for Children from the Old Testament -Lamentations of the Father by Ian Frazier
Laws of Forbidden Places
Of the beasts of the field, and of the fishes of the sea, and of all foods that are acceptable in my sight you may eat, but not in the living room. Of the hoofed animals, broiled or ground into burgers, you may eat, but not in the living room. Of the cloven-hoofed animal, plain or with cheese, you may eat, but not in the living room. Of the cereal grains, of the corn and of the wheat and of the oats, and of all the cereals that are of bright color and unknown provenance you may eat, but not in the living room. Of quiescently frozen dessert and of all frozen after-meal treats you may eat, but absolutely not in the living room.
Of the juices and other beverages,
yes, even of those in sippy-cups, you may drink, but not in the living
room, neither may you carry such therein. Indeed, when you reach the place
where the living room carpet begins, of any food or beverage there you
may not eat, neither may you drink. But if you are sick, and are lying
down and watching something, then may you eat in the living room.
Laws When at Table
And if you are seated in your high chair, or in a chair such as a greater person might use, keep your legs and feet below you as they were. Neither raise up your knees, nor place your feet upon the table, for that is an abomination to me. Yes, even when you have an interesting bandage to show, your feet upon the table are an abomination, and worthy of rebuke.
Drink your milk as it is given you, neither use on it any utensils, nor fork, nor knife, nor spoon, for that is not what they are for; if you will dip your blocks in the milk, and lick it off, you will be sent away.
When you have drunk, let the empty cup then remain upon the table, and do not bite it upon its edge and by your teeth hold it to your face in order to make noises in it sounding like a duck: for you will be sent away.
When you chew your food, keep your mouth closed until you have swallowed, and do not open it to show your brother or your sister what is within; I say to you, do not so, even if your brother or your sister has done the same to you.
Eat your food only; do not eat that which is not food; neither seize the table between your jaws, nor use the raiment of the table to wipe your lips. I say again to you, do not touch it, but leave it as it is.
And though your stick of carrot does indeed resemble a marker, draw not with it upon the table, even in pretend, for we do not do that, that is why. And though the pieces of broccoli are very like small trees, do not stand them upright to make a forest, because we do not do that, that is why.
Sit just as I have told you,
and do not lean to one side or the other, nor slide down until you are
nearly slid away. Heed me; for if you sit like that, your hair will go
into the syrup. And now behold, even as I have said, it has come to pass.
Laws Pertaining to Dessert
For we judge between the plate that is unclean and the plate that is clean, saying first, if the plate is clean, then you shall have dessert.
But of the unclean plate, the laws are these: If you have eaten most of your meat, and two bites of your peas with each bite consisting of not less than three peas each, or in total six peas, eaten where I can see, and you have also eaten enough of your potatoes to fill two forks, both forkfuls eaten where I can see, then you shall have dessert.
But if you eat a lesser number of peas, and yet you eat the potatoes, still you shall not have dessert; and if you eat the peas, yet leave the potatoes uneaten, you shall not have dessert, no, not even a small portion thereof.
And if you try to deceive by
moving the potatoes or peas around with a fork, that it may appear you
have eaten what you have not, you will fall into iniquity. And I will know,
and you shall have no dessert.
Do not scream; for it is as if you scream all the time. If you are given a plate on which two foods you do not wish to touch each other are touching each other, your voice rises up even to the ceiling, while you point to the offense with the finger of your right hand; but I say to you, scream not, only remonstrate gently with the server, that the server may correct the fault.
Likewise if you receive a portion
of fish from which every piece of herbal seasoning has not been scraped
off, and the herbal seasoning is loathsome to you and steeped in vileness,
again I say, refrain from screaming. Though the vileness overwhelm you,
and cause you a faint unto death, make not that sound from within your
throat, neither cover your face, nor press your fingers to your nose. For
even I have made the fish as it should be; behold, I eat it myself, yet
do not die.
Concerning Face and Hands Cast your countenance upward to the light, and lift your eyes to the hills, that I may more easily wash you off. For the stains are upon you; even to the very back of your head, there is rice thereon.
And in the breast pocket of your garment, and upon the tie of your shoe, rice and other fragments are distributed in a manner wonderful to see.
Only hold yourself still; hold
still, I say. Give each finger in its turn for my examination thereof,
and also each thumb. Lo, how iniquitous they appear. What I do is as it
must be; and you shall not go hence until I have done.
Various Other Laws, Statutes, and Ordinances
Bite not, lest you be cast
into quiet time. Neither drink of your own bath water, nor of the bath
water of any kind; nor rub your feet on bread, even if it be in the package;
nor rub yourself against cars, not against any building; nor eat sand.
Leave the cat alone, for what has the cat done, that you should so afflict
it with tape? And hum not the humming in your nose as I read, nor stand
between the light and the book. Indeed, you will drive me to madness. Nor
forget what I said about the tape.
These are taken from real resumes and cover letters and were printed in the July 21, 1997 issue of Fortune Magazine:
"It's best for employers that I not work with people."
"I was working for my mom until she decided to move."
"I have an excellent track record, although I am not a horse."
"My goal is to be a meteorologist. But since I possess no training in meterology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage."
"Personal interests: donating blood. Fourteen gallons so far."
"Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chain store."
"Note: Please don't misconstrue my 14 jobs as 'job-hopping'. I have never quit a job."
"Reason for leaving last job: They insisted that all employees get to work by 8:45 a.m. every morning. Could not work under those conditions."
"The company made me a scapegoat, just like my three previous employers."
"References: None. I've
left a path of destruction behind me."