The BugShop: The Altar of Manhood
This page last modified-
(Note: that's "Altar".
"Alter". Big difference. Click here
to learn about the Alter of manhood))
||This is my testosterone
page. No, I am not looking to engage in any gender wars, but let's
face it, there are things, habits, phrases, etc. that are just easily associated
with guys. And like my hero Tim Allen said:
"If it ain't broke, you
can probably still fix it!".
This page celebrates that genderistic,
testosteric stuff. You will find some funny stuff here, as well as some
links just below to other special pages that garner a space at the Altar
Some special "Altar" features:
Tools of the Trade- A
This list is priceless.
HAMMER: Originally employed
as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod
to locate expensive car parts not far from the object we are trying to
MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used
to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to
your front door; it works particularly well on boxes containing convertible
tops or tonneau covers.
PLIERS: Used to round off
HACKSAW: One of a family
of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human
energy into crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to
influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.
VISE GRIPS: Used to round
off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can transfer intense
welding heat to the palm of your hand.
DRILL PRESS: A tall upright
machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal stock out of your hands
so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room,
splattering it against the Rolling Stones poster over the bench grinder.
WIRE WHEEL: Cleans rust
off old bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the
speed of light. Also removes fingerprint whorls and hard earned guitar
calluses in about the time it takes you to say, "Django Reinhardt."
HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used
for lowering a Mustang to the ground after you have installed a set of
Ford motorsports lowered road springs, trapping the jack handle firmly
under the front air dam.
EIGHT FOOT LONG DOUGLAS FIR
2X4: Used for levering a car upward off a hydraulic jack.
TWEEZERS: A tool used for
removing wood splinters.
PHONE: Tool for calling
your neighbor Chris to see if he has another hydraulic floor jack.
SNAP-ON GASKET SCRAPER:
Theoretically useful as a sandwich tool for spreading mayonnaise, used
mainly for getting dog-doo off your boot.
E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR:
A tool that snaps off in bolt holes and is ten times harder than any known
TIMING LIGHT: A stroboscopic
instrument for illuminating grease buildup on crankshaft pulleys.
TWO-TON HYDRAULIC ENGINE HOIST:
A handy tool for testing the tensile strength of ground straps and hydraulic
clutch lines you may have forgotten to disconnect.
CRAFTSMAN 1/2 X 16" SCREWDRIVER:
A large motor mount prying tool that inexplicably has an accurately machined
screwdriver tip on the end without the handle.
BATTERY ELECTROLYTE TESTER:
A handy tool for transferring sulfuric acid from a car battery to the inside
of your toolbox after determining that your battery is dead as a doornail,
just as you thought.
AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See
TROUBLE LIGHT: The mechanic's
own tanning booth. Sometimes called a drop light, it is a good source of
Vitamin D, "the sunshine vitamin," which is not otherwise found under cars
at night. Health benefits aside, its main purpose is to consume 40-watt
light bulbs at about the same rate that 105mm howitzer shells might be
used during, say, the first few hours of the Battle of the Bulge. It also
creates scar tissue on the user's forehead. More often dark then light,
its name is somewhat misleading.
PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally
used to stab the lids of old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splash oil
on your shirt, it can also be used, as the name implies, to round off Phillips
AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine
that takes energy produced in a coal-burning power plant 200 miles away
and transforms it into compressed air that travels by hose to a Chicago
Pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty suspension bolts last tightened
40 years ago by someone in Abingdon, Oxfordshire, and rounds them off.
100 Reasons why it is great
to be a guy:
Phone conversations are over in
30 seconds flat.
Movie nudity is virtually always
You know stuff about tanks.
A five day vacation requires only
Monday Nite Football.
You don't have to monitor your
friends' sex lives.
Your bathroom lines are 80% shorter.
You can open all your own jars.
Old friends don't give you crap
if you've lost or gained weight.
Dry cleaners and haircutter's
don't rob you blind.
When channel-surfing, you don't
have to stall on every shot of someone crying.
Your ass is never a factor in
a job interview.
All your orgasms are real.
A beer gut does not make you invisible
to the opposite sex.
Guys in hockey masks don't attack
You don't have to lug a bag of
useful stuff around everywhere go.
You understand why "Stripes" is
You can go to the bathroom without
a support group.
Your last name stays put.
You can leave a hotel bed unmade.
When your work is criticized,
you don't have to panic that everyone secretly hates you.
You can kill your own food.
The garage is all yours.
You get extra credit for the slightest
act of thoughtfulness.
You see the humor in "Terms of
You can pick up a ball before
it stops rolling.
You never have to clean the toilet.
You can be showered and ready
in 10 minutes.
Sex means never worrying about
Wedding plans take care of themselves.
If someone forgets to invite you
to something, he or she can still be your friend.
Your underwear is $10 for a three-pack.
The National College Cheerleading
None of your co-workers have the
power to make you cry.
You don't have to shave below
You don't have to curl up next
to a hairy ass every night.
If you're 34 and single, nobody
You can write your name in the
Everything on your face stays
its original color.
Chocolate is just another snack.
You can be president.
You can quietly enjoy a car ride
from the passenger seat.
Flowers fix everything.
You can get into a nontrivial
You never have to worry about
other peoples' feelings.
You get to think about sex 90%
of your waking hours.
You can wear a white shirt to
a water park.
Three pair of shoes are more than
You can eat a banana in a hardware
You can say anything and not worry
about what people think.
Foreplay is optional.
Michael Bolton doesn't live in
Nobody stops telling a good dirty
joke when you walk in the room.
You can whip your shirt off on
a hot day.
You don't have to clean your apartment
if the meter reader is coming.
You never feel compelled to stop
a pal from getting laid.
Car mechanics tell you the truth.
You don't give a rat's ass if
someone notices your new haircut.
You can watch a game in silence
with your buddy for hours without ever thinking "He must be mad at me"
The world is your urinal.
You never misconstrue innocuous
statements to mean your lover is about to leave you.
You get to jump up and slap stuff.
Hot wax never comes near your
One mood, all the time.
You can admire Clint Eastwood
without starving yourself to look like him.
You never have to drive to another
gas station because this one's just too skeevy.
You know at least 20 ways to open
a beer bottle.
You can sit with your knees apart
no matter what you're wearing.
Same work....more pay.
Gray hair and wrinkles add character.
You don't have to leave the room
to make an emergency crotch adjustment.
Wedding Dress $2000; Tux rental
You don't care if someone is talking
about you behind your back.
With 400 million sperm per shot,
you could double the earth's population in 15 tries. At least in theory.
You don't mooch off others' desserts.
If you retain water, it's in a
The remote is yours and yours
People never glance at your chest
when you're talking to them.
ESPN Sports Center.
You can drop by to see a friend
without bringing a little gift.
Bachelor parties whomp ass over
You have a normal and healthy
relationship with your mother.
You can buy condoms without the
shopkeeper imagining you naked.
You needn't pretend you're "freshening
up" to go to the bathroom.
If you don't call your buddy when
you say you will, he won't tell your friends you've changed.
Someday you'll be a dirty old
You can rationalize any behavior
with the handy phrase "F*#k it!"
If another guy shows up at the
party in the same outfit, you might become lifelong buddies.
Princess Di's death was just another
The occasional well-rendered belch
is practically expected.
You never have to miss a sexual
opportunity because you're not in the mood.
You think the idea of punting
a small dog is funny.
If something mechanical doesn't
work, you can bash it with a hammer and throw it across the room.
New shoes don't cut, blister,
or mangle your feet.
Porn movies are designed with
your mind in mind.
You don't have to remember everyone's
birthdays and anniversaries.
Not liking a person does not preclude
having great sex with them.
Your pals can be trusted never
to trap you with: "So... notice anything different?"
There's always a game on somewhere.
Before I had this website,
I had a lot more time to hang around reading newsgroups. I used to participate
in rec.autos.driving quite a bit. It is sort af a generic car related
group which at any given time is guaranteed to have at least one thread
I had fun there. I used to get
a kick out of these people who would use these .sig files at the end of
each post with every motorized thing they owned listed, PLUS every boring,
nobodycares attribute about it. So I made my own to parody those .sigs.
This was mine:
Use of the interstate highway
left lane for passing
Daytime running lights (DRLs)
How to get out of a speeding ticket
An argument about the Mustang
5.0 performance vs. some other car
Bicyclists sharing roads with
Road Rage (or the misunderstanding
So this .sig prompted some interesting,
fantasy side discussions. I saved the best ones:
John Henry wrote:
'85 VW Cabriolet Wolfsburg-
Alloy rims : Leather Interior : 1.8l : H4
Conversion : Bosch Driving
Lights : 5 Speed : Cruise : Raytheon
Technologies Rear Facing Rocket
Launcher : Kimmel XLf80 Fusion Cannon
w/Laser Tracking and Titanium
Accumulator : MarTom Tuhf Range finder
with GPS : AM/FM Cassette
I have some questions about
Don't you get a lot of
smoke in your hair when you take out a Chevette with the top down?
Depends, if the Kimmel
latitudinal impulse is switched on, the 'vette will mostly disintegrate
to the right or left, depending on the strike vector. Then I hardly get
soot on the hood edge. But I find that the LI makes the sighting a little
squirrly, and the lock is weak on the 'vette since the metal mass is pretty
I always face my rocket
launchers FORWARD. After all, I'm already PAST anything behind me. But
then I don't have a cabrio; I can close the sunroof on the fly to avoid
I tried that for a few months,
but the results were poor. Turns out the required thrust deflectors made
the car about as aerodynamic as a bookcase and the larger M720-QX exhaust
seeking rockets that I like offer up too much launch "pushback". A typical
4 rocket trip and my mpg was down to under 20. The fusion cannon is much
more "forward friendly".
Does the tracking system
interfere with FM reception?
Not really. Although I get annoyed
when I lose NPR's "All Things Considered" for a few seconds while trying
to lock on a Subaru with a broken Y pipe.
Do you find Raytheon's
products suitably reliable or should I shop Russian? After all, their prices
are MUCH lower these days.
Come on', BUY AMERICAN! I know
that it seems like you're paying twice with taxes and all, but the Russian
stuff is JUNK. I had a friend with a Suburban launch 7000 series "Breshnev"
rocket (that he got at under $100 a cluster!) at an overheating "K" car.
The friggin' thing went AWOL, wound over the median and almost took out
state police cruiser. Can you see him arguing that one in court?
> >That kind of crap pisses me off, and I find myself less and
> >less willing to let it pass without the negative feedback
> >that it so richly deserves. I started to slam on the brakes,
> >but then I had a different idea. I downshifted, punched the
> >accelerator, popped up the headlights, swung out, and leaned
> >on my horn as I passed both the sumbitches close aboard, and
> >then swung back in ahead of them and continued on my merry way.
> YES!!! This type of driver (the yuppie) is much of the reason I
> choose to drive a Mustang 5.0. Nothing like V8 power to back you up.
> An aftermarket airhorn helps, but when it comes down to it, easy "put
> 'em behind me" grunt counts the most.
Naaaah. See my sig. In a similar incident in suburban Boston, a Subaru
with a broken Y pipe did the same thing. I gave a quick flash of the
brights to express my displeasure and the guy flips me off and then
slams on the brakes for a second or so.
I hit the "arm" switch in the Kimmel. The guy was watching me in his
rear view mirror, and I think he knew something was up when he saw the
retinal scan camera drop from the driver's side visor. I had already
dialed up a solid 2.5 telsa charge when the RSC's "Approve" light came
on. I dropped back a few feet and watch ed the guy's eyeballs widen as
he heard the dull thud of fusion coupler drop into position behind the
grille. As the HUD counted up the percent charge, I switched on the
latitudinal vector skew to "Right" as there was a big shoulder and I
didn't want to have to clean soot of the hood edge before dinner. When
the accumulator hit 100%, the lock was almost instantaneous (those
Subarus are thermal beacons, as it turns out). The guy must have heard
the high pitched whine of the loaded accumulator and frantically
signaled to turn at the next intersection. I hit the steering wheel
mounted Release button with my ring finger wrapped all the way around
The Gloria Estafan CD skipped. I've got to have that checked.
> > I see your fusion cannon arrived. Mine's still on back order (which is
> > good, because I don't have the grill mounting brackets figured out yet).
> It was quite a challenge, turns out by relocating my washer fluid
> reservoir (which IS still needed to clear soot from the windshield) I
> pretty much got the whole accelerator unit inside the engine
> compartment. The accumulator is on the firewall. Only problem is that
> the EMF pulse has taken out my Bosch H3 bulb on the right side a couple
> times as the discharge port is just below the head light (full charge
> @320 KTesla). No one answers at Kimmel's "Tech assist" 800 number. I
> was hoping they make some kind of shield or something.
> I have my eye on a "lateral impulse deflector" for the cannon ($595,
> list). It skews the impact vector of the pulse either right or left
> (pretty arbitrarily according to the x wing pilots I have talked to) to
> insure target disintegration either to the left or right of your path,
> and you don't hit any debris (in theory). I'd prefer it to default to
> the left as most of my "ordinance" is aimed at left lane squatters who
> salute me with a finger at a polite beam flash. I hate to risk damaging
> the paint of other motorists vehicles who are able to grasp simple
> multi-lane principles. Maybe they could have a left right switch
> labeled "UK/Bermuda" and "Others" :-) (I know; there are other RHD
> E-mail me when you get your cannon, and let me know if you find any
> "treasure" in your local army/navy surplus stores.
> [sorry to the rest of the news group for straying from the BMW topic,
> guess I should take this to "triple A", (alt.autos.armament)]
> John Henry
Then there was this. There
was a guy, who was one of those "legends" of the news group, who continually
was thrashed and pummeled by everyone for posting all sort of absurd ideas
and opinions about how everyone should drive. At one point, in a thread
about reaction times and following distances, he listed some "what ifs",
among them "What if a sofa were to fall off an open truck in front of you
and be sitting there on the highway when you came upon!?"
That was all it took.
It became a known nationwide hazard these "Larry's sofas" in subsequent
discussions (not his real name). And sure enough, I got involved in one
thread that got waaaay of topic about modifications to the "Larry sofa"......
> > The turbo idea's not bad, but what about a conversion to a shorter
> > gear in the reclining mechanism for better handle response. Also, no
> > one's addressed cornering ability. I recommend P10/200R6 tires on
> > alloy light alloy casters.
> I have had Poplin's "Sofex" alloys on my Thomasville Heritage 3 position
> for about 3 years now, and I can tell you that the alloys have not held
> up well in tile floor. At home on the linoleum and carpet they are
> fine, but I took the sofa to "Room America" last year and ruined 2 of
> the four on the ceramic tile course there. I was running 8/150/2s from
> Home Depot on them.
> I have since switched to a Brass caster (yes, brass, don't laugh)
> wrapped with 8.5/180/1.75s from Rapid Furniture Concepts. That in
> addition to two lower frame stress bars and poly bushings on the
> recliner unit has really made the "old couch" handle. I'm up 3.5 pts in
> LRFCA standings so far.
> As for the "short recline" kits, I find them to help a little. I have
> to admit that I have snagged a foot once or twice "speed reclining";
> even the wife heard me grinding the mech from the kitchen. If you
> install one, set your expectations accordingly.
> John Henry
> '85 Thomasville "Heritage"- Alloy rims : Leather : Over stuffed
> cushions : H4X Remote Holder : Bosch Arm Covers : Lower skid skirt :
> Rapid Furniture Concepts Stress Bars : Raytheon Technologies Recliner
> Mech : Kimmel XLf80 Billet Recliner Handle with quick release : MarTom
> Tuhf 4 Point Restraint with Drool Guard :
> '57 Sears Colonial- Under restoration
> '95 Rotmans "Harmony"- kids love it, good "fort" cushions
Hey, you gotta have fun.....
I had decided to do a "light resto" on the
'54. In spite of the fact that I might be selling this whole car within
a week, I wanted to make sure the car rolled as freely as possible and
that the emergency brake worked (the tires are all STILL holding air!).
I went about trying to pull the hubs off. I heated the nut with the propane
torch, and put the big socket on the 1/2" breaker bar. I chocked the wheel
and added a 5 foot piece of square stock to the breaker bar. But I couldn't
keep the wheel from turning (car's gutted, not too heavy). I tried using
a piece of railroad tie in place of the plastic chock; still the wheel
turned. I cranked up the air reg to max. and tried my impact wrench (cheap
one, rated at 250 ft lbs). No dice. Torched some more still nothing.
Then I vaguely remembered having one of those
"axle nut tools". A flat piece of pig iron with a 36mm hex hole on one
end and a place to slug it with a sledge hammer on the other. I checked
the "special tools" box and sure enough, my brother had given it to me
when I bought his '68. I pulled the wheel off, lowered the drum down on
to the railroad tie block and released the jack. I put on some eye protectors,
leather gloves and grabbed the 5 lb sledge.
I pounded the thing about 3 times before
it gave way. I'm convinced that that tool combo can produce impacts as
high as that $250 impact wrench that I would really like to have (1100
ft lbs.). I think you can still get that pig iron tool for under $10. Get
one, if you don't have one already, before you really need it.
The drums on the car are scarcely worn, and
I'm pretty sure that they are the "36hp" drums (very hard to find, and
expensive if you do). Oh yeah, I DID remember to relax the e-brake cables.
I DIDN'T remember to back off the adjusting stars. I realized this after
I spent about 2 hours fashioning a "hub puller" from a small wheel puller
kit that I had and some old bolts. Sometimes you never learn.