The BugShop: The Altar of Manhood

This page last modified- 10/21/02

(Note: that's "Altar". Not "Alter". Big difference.  Click here to learn about the Alter of manhood))
This is my testosterone page. No, I am not looking to engage in any gender wars, but let's face it, there are things, habits, phrases, etc. that are just easily associated with guys. And like my hero Tim Allen said:

"If it ain't broke, you can probably still fix it!".

This page celebrates that genderistic, testosteric stuff. You will find some funny stuff here, as well as some links just below to other special pages that garner a space at the Altar of Manhood.

Tools of the Trade- A professional's description

This list is priceless.

100 Reasons why it is great to be a guy:

  1. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
  2. Movie nudity is virtually always female.
  3. You know stuff about tanks.
  4. A five day vacation requires only one suitcase.
  5. Monday Nite Football.
  6. You don't have to monitor your friends' sex lives.
  7. Your bathroom lines are 80% shorter.
  8. You can open all your own jars.
  9. Old friends don't give you crap if you've lost or gained weight.
  10. Dry cleaners and haircutter's don't rob you blind.
  11. When channel-surfing, you don't have to stall on every shot of someone crying.
  12. Your ass is never a factor in a job interview.
  13. All your orgasms are real.
  14. A beer gut does not make you invisible to the opposite sex.
  15. Guys in hockey masks don't attack you.
  16. You don't have to lug a bag of useful stuff around everywhere go.
  17. You understand why "Stripes" is funny.
  18. You can go to the bathroom without a support group.
  19. Your last name stays put.
  20. You can leave a hotel bed unmade.
  21. When your work is criticized, you don't have to panic that everyone secretly hates you.
  22. You can kill your own food.
  23. The garage is all yours.
  24. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
  25. You see the humor in "Terms of Endearment."
  26. You can pick up a ball before it stops rolling.
  27. You never have to clean the toilet.
  28. You can be showered and ready in 10 minutes.
  29. Sex means never worrying about your reputation.
  30. Wedding plans take care of themselves.
  31. If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or she can still be your friend.
  32. Your underwear is $10 for a three-pack.
  33. The National College Cheerleading Championship
  34. None of your co-workers have the power to make you cry.
  35. You don't have to shave below your neck.
  36. You don't have to curl up next to a hairy ass every night.
  37. If you're 34 and single, nobody notices.
  38. You can write your name in the snow.
  39. Everything on your face stays its original color.
  40. Chocolate is just another snack.
  41. You can be president.
  42. You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger seat.
  43. Flowers fix everything.
  44. You can get into a nontrivial pissing contest.
  45. You never have to worry about other peoples' feelings.
  46. You get to think about sex 90% of your waking hours.
  47. You can wear a white shirt to a water park.
  48. Three pair of shoes are more than enough.
  49. You can eat a banana in a hardware store.
  50. You can say anything and not worry about what people think.
  51. Foreplay is optional.
  52. Michael Bolton doesn't live in your universe.
  53. Nobody stops telling a good dirty joke when you walk in the room.
  54. You can whip your shirt off on a hot day.
  55. You don't have to clean your apartment if the meter reader is coming.
  56. You never feel compelled to stop a pal from getting laid.
  57. Car mechanics tell you the truth.
  58. You don't give a rat's ass if someone notices your new haircut.
  59. You can watch a game in silence with your buddy for hours without ever thinking "He must be mad at me"
  60. The world is your urinal.
  61. You never misconstrue innocuous statements to mean your lover is about to leave you.
  62. You get to jump up and slap stuff.
  63. Hot wax never comes near your pubic area.
  64. One mood, all the time.
  65. You can admire Clint Eastwood without starving yourself to look like him.
  66. You never have to drive to another gas station because this one's just too skeevy.
  67. You know at least 20 ways to open a beer bottle.
  68. You can sit with your knees apart no matter what you're wearing.
  69. Same work....more pay.
  70. Gray hair and wrinkles add character.
  71. You don't have to leave the room to make an emergency crotch adjustment.
  72. Wedding Dress $2000; Tux rental $100.
  73. You don't care if someone is talking about you behind your back.
  74. With 400 million sperm per shot, you could double the earth's population in 15 tries. At least in theory.
  75. You don't mooch off others' desserts.
  76. If you retain water, it's in a canteen.
  77. The remote is yours and yours alone.
  78. People never glance at your chest when you're talking to them.
  79. ESPN Sports Center.
  80. You can drop by to see a friend without bringing a little gift.
  81. Bachelor parties whomp ass over bridal showers.
  82. You have a normal and healthy relationship with your mother.
  83. You can buy condoms without the shopkeeper imagining you naked.
  84. You needn't pretend you're "freshening up" to go to the bathroom.
  85. If you don't call your buddy when you say you will, he won't tell your friends you've changed.
  86. Someday you'll be a dirty old man.
  87. You can rationalize any behavior with the handy phrase "F*#k it!"
  88. If another guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you might become lifelong buddies.
  89. Princess Di's death was just another obituary.
  90. The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.
  91. You never have to miss a sexual opportunity because you're not in the mood.
  92. You think the idea of punting a small dog is funny.
  93. If something mechanical doesn't work, you can bash it with a hammer and throw it across the room.
  94. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
  95. Porn movies are designed with your mind in mind.
  96. You don't have to remember everyone's birthdays and anniversaries.
  97. Not liking a person does not preclude having great sex with them.
  98. Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with: "So... notice anything different?"
  99. Baywatch
  100. There's always a game on somewhere. Classics

Before I had this website, I had a lot more time to hang around reading newsgroups. I used to participate in quite a bit. It is sort af a generic car related group which at any given time is guaranteed to have at least one thread on :

I had fun there. I used to get a kick out of these people who would use these .sig files at the end of each post with every motorized thing they owned listed, PLUS every boring, nobodycares attribute about it. So I made my own to parody those .sigs. This was mine:
  So this .sig prompted some interesting, fantasy side discussions. I saved the best ones:


John Henry wrote:

> >That kind of crap pisses me off, and I find myself less and
> >less willing to let it pass without the negative feedback
> >that it so richly deserves.  I started to slam on the brakes,
> >but then I had a different idea.  I downshifted, punched the
> >accelerator, popped up the headlights, swung out, and leaned
> >on my horn as I passed both the sumbitches close aboard, and
> >then swung back in ahead of them and continued on my merry way.
> YES!!!  This type of driver (the yuppie) is much of the reason I
> choose to drive a Mustang 5.0.  Nothing like V8 power to back you up.
> An aftermarket airhorn helps, but when it comes down to it, easy "put
> 'em behind me" grunt counts the most.

Naaaah.  See my sig.  In a similar incident in suburban Boston, a Subaru
with a broken Y pipe did the same thing.  I gave a quick flash of the
brights to express my displeasure and the guy flips me off and then
slams on the brakes for a second or so.

I hit the "arm" switch in the Kimmel.  The guy was watching me in his
rear view mirror, and I think he knew something was up when he saw the
retinal scan camera drop from the driver's side visor.  I had already
dialed up a solid 2.5 telsa charge when the RSC's "Approve" light came
on.  I dropped back a few feet and watch ed the guy's eyeballs widen as
he heard the dull thud of fusion coupler drop into position behind the
grille.  As the HUD counted up the percent charge, I switched on the
latitudinal vector skew to "Right" as there was a big shoulder and I
didn't want to have to clean soot of the hood edge before dinner.  When
the accumulator hit 100%, the lock was almost instantaneous (those
Subarus are thermal beacons, as it turns out).  The guy must have heard
the high pitched whine of the loaded accumulator and frantically
signaled to turn at the next intersection.  I hit the steering wheel
mounted Release button with my ring finger wrapped all the way around
the wheel.

The Gloria Estafan CD skipped.  I've got to have that checked.

John Henry

> > I see your fusion cannon arrived.  Mine's still on back order (which is
> > good, because I don't have the grill mounting brackets figured out yet).
> It was quite a challenge, turns out by relocating my washer fluid
> reservoir (which IS still needed to clear soot from the windshield) I
> pretty much got the whole accelerator unit inside the engine
> compartment.  The accumulator is on the firewall.  Only problem is that
> the EMF pulse has taken out my Bosch H3 bulb on the right side a couple
> times as the discharge port is just below the head light (full charge
> @320 KTesla).  No one answers at Kimmel's "Tech assist" 800 number.  I
> was hoping they make some kind of shield or something.
> I have my eye on a "lateral impulse deflector" for the cannon ($595,
> list).  It skews the impact vector of the pulse either right or left
> (pretty arbitrarily according to the x wing pilots I have talked to) to
> insure target disintegration either to the left or right of your path,
> and you don't hit any debris (in theory).  I'd prefer it to default to
> the left as most of my "ordinance" is aimed at left lane squatters who
> salute me with a finger at a polite beam flash.  I hate to risk damaging
> the paint of other motorists vehicles who are able to grasp simple
> multi-lane principles.  Maybe they could have a left right switch
> labeled "UK/Bermuda" and "Others" :-) (I know; there are other RHD
> countries).
> E-mail me when you get your cannon, and let me know if you find any
> "treasure" in your local army/navy surplus stores.
> [sorry to the rest of the news group for straying from the BMW topic,
> guess I should take this to "triple A", (]
> --
> John Henry

Then there was this. There was a guy, who was one of those "legends" of the news group, who continually was thrashed and pummeled by everyone for posting all sort of absurd ideas and opinions about how everyone should drive. At one point, in a thread about reaction times and following distances, he listed some "what ifs", among them "What if a sofa were to fall off an open truck in front of you and be sitting there on the highway when you came upon!?"

 That was all it took. It became a known nationwide hazard these "Larry's sofas" in subsequent discussions (not his real name). And sure enough, I got involved in one thread that got waaaay of topic about modifications to the "Larry sofa"......

> >
> > The turbo idea's not bad, but what about a conversion to a shorter
> > gear in the reclining mechanism for better handle response.  Also, no
> > one's addressed cornering ability.  I recommend P10/200R6 tires on
> > alloy light alloy casters.
> I have had Poplin's "Sofex" alloys on my Thomasville Heritage 3 position
> for about 3 years now, and I can tell you that the alloys have not held
> up well in tile floor.  At home on the linoleum and carpet they are
> fine, but I took the sofa to "Room America" last year and ruined 2 of
> the four on the ceramic tile course there.  I was running 8/150/2s from
> Home Depot on them.
> I have since switched to a Brass caster (yes, brass, don't laugh)
> wrapped with 8.5/180/1.75s from Rapid Furniture Concepts.  That in
> addition to two lower frame stress bars and poly bushings on the
> recliner unit has really made the "old couch" handle.  I'm up 3.5 pts in
> LRFCA standings so far.
> As for the "short recline" kits, I find them to help a little.  I have
> to admit that I have snagged a foot once or twice "speed reclining";

> even the wife heard me grinding the mech from the kitchen.  If you
> install one, set your expectations accordingly.
> --
> John Henry
> '85 Thomasville "Heritage"-  Alloy rims : Leather : Over stuffed
> cushions : H4X Remote Holder : Bosch Arm Covers : Lower skid skirt :
> Rapid Furniture Concepts Stress Bars : Raytheon Technologies Recliner
> Mech : Kimmel XLf80 Billet Recliner Handle with quick release : MarTom

> Tuhf 4 Point Restraint with Drool Guard :
> '57 Sears Colonial- Under restoration
> '95 Rotmans "Harmony"- kids love it, good "fort" cushions
Hey, you gotta have fun..... 

"Tool Story"

I had decided to do a "light resto" on the '54. In spite of the fact that I might be selling this whole car within a week, I wanted to make sure the car rolled as freely as possible and that the emergency brake worked (the tires are all STILL holding air!). I went about trying to pull the hubs off. I heated the nut with the propane torch, and put the big socket on the 1/2" breaker bar. I chocked the wheel and added a 5 foot piece of square stock to the breaker bar. But I couldn't keep the wheel from turning (car's gutted, not too heavy). I tried using a piece of railroad tie in place of the plastic chock; still the wheel turned. I cranked up the air reg to max. and tried my impact wrench (cheap one, rated at 250 ft lbs). No dice. Torched some more still nothing.

Then I vaguely remembered having one of those "axle nut tools". A flat piece of pig iron with a 36mm hex hole on one end and a place to slug it with a sledge hammer on the other. I checked the "special tools" box and sure enough, my brother had given it to me when I bought his '68. I pulled the wheel off, lowered the drum down on to the railroad tie block and released the jack. I put on some eye protectors, leather gloves and grabbed the 5 lb sledge.

I pounded the thing about 3 times before it gave way. I'm convinced that that tool combo can produce impacts as high as that $250 impact wrench that I would really like to have (1100 ft lbs.). I think you can still get that pig iron tool for under $10. Get one, if you don't have one already, before you really need it.

The drums on the car are scarcely worn, and I'm pretty sure that they are the "36hp" drums (very hard to find, and expensive if you do). Oh yeah, I DID remember to relax the e-brake cables. I DIDN'T remember to back off the adjusting stars. I realized this after I spent about 2 hours fashioning a "hub puller" from a small wheel puller kit that I had and some old bolts. Sometimes you never learn.